Why I Had Another Miscarriage

Maybe it's because I didn't plan it like I planned the others.

Maybe because I didn't start taking my prenatal vitamins soon enough.

Maybe I had too much radioactive exposure from my laptop and iPhone and tv and microwave.

Maybe I didn't dedicate myself to eating raw for long enough.

Maybe I was experiencing post-traumatic stress.

Maybe because getting accidentally pregnant seemed to work out too perfectly.

Maybe because no one really gets what they want.

Maybe because I watch too much tv and exercise too little.

Maybe it's because I voted for Obama.

Maybe it's because, secretly, I want my friend to be happy and married,

even if he choses another man.

Or because I like to watch Ellen.

Or maybe it's because I sometimes forget to say my daily prayers.

Maybe I am crazy overreactive and am not a good enough mom to have another one.

Maybe because I work too much.

Maybe I haven't learned my lesson yet.

Maybe it takes a loss before you find it.

Maybe it's just "part of the plan."

...maybe it's because things like that just happen and

no matter how devastating and cruel they are, it's just part of life.

Or maybe just part of my life.

I haven't figured out the reason and I know I never will,

but I need to get out of this funk.

They say that depression saps your energy

and makes you lose interest in your hobbies

and things you used to enjoy.

I used to enjoy blogging.

I think I might be ready to enjoy it again.

But first, I have to post thee post

that I have had sitting in my drafts for months now,

all typed up and ready for edit.

The one I don't want to publish

but know I need to because if not,

it will become another lesson

that I will forget I already learned

if I don't have it written down.

That post is called "Refining"

and it's for me, not you,

so skip it

and I'll see you on the other side.