I Have Been Eager

When I was pregnant with my second baby, I was talking with my neighbor about how the pregnancy was going. I was telling her how I had planned the pregnancy perfectly to have the baby in October and did everything I had heard of to make sure it was a girl. My mom, my grandma and I all have birthdays in October and I wanted to share another special bond with my daughter by having a fourth generation with a birthday around that time. When I told my mom I was pregnant, I actually gave her a birthday card telling her we would celebrate another daughter in October. I was so excited. As I was talking with my neighbor and telling her all of this, I told her that I felt like I something big was coming. It seemed weird as I said it, but I really felt it. I didn't know if it was a big something for our family, for our finances, for my job or what, but a few weeks later, I miscarried and I knew this was the something...

...We had just returned from a weekend vacation to St. George for my Grandpa Pulham's 85th birthday and I thought maybe the traveling in the car for so long had brought on the bleeding but my midwife sadly announced that the baby had not survived. I was 12 weeks along.

I remember afterward getting a blessing from my bishopric, praying to find a babysitter for Cameron and for the emotional strength to prepare myself for what was coming the day I went in for the final, official ultrasound. Rhett and I mournfully went to the hospital to see the lack of life in my womb. I couldn't deal with much more, but at least I knew it would be over with that day. We went to another doctor's office after the ultrasound only to be told that they couldn't do the d&c that day and that I would have to come back tomorrow. I don't know where I found the strength to even go back the next day, but I do know that Rhett was my arms and legs and heart and mind when I had totally lost the use of mine.

When it was all over with, the rest was just beginning...the insomnia, the depression, the crying, the apathy, the anger, the recluse behavior...it was a serious trial. And I still had to keep working and tell everyone at school that I had lost the baby...and then keep going through it all.

About a month later, a teacher at our school was a few weeks away from giving birth to her baby girl and they were throwing her a faculty shower. They invited everyone to the faculty lounge and I figured I was fine and was past my depression and loss to go and support her. As soon as I saw the ribbons and the pom poms and the sweet girly stuffed animals and pink decorative paper and all things girly, I knew I was not past it all. I went back to my classroom instead and cried.

I got pregnant about 4 months later and was still struggling with all of this, but Brenden was a blessing. He was born two days after my Grandpa Pulham died. It was a bittersweet time but things started getting back to normal, because I had no other choice.

Fast forward three years to this last summer and to another miscarriage. I didn't worry about getting my baby girl on that 4th pregnancy, but I had hoped it would be a healthy, viable pregnancy. Unfortunately, there was no heartbeat in that 8 week baby form and I had another d&c.

I had a new doctor and he sent me a pamphlet about the Eager Study. I guess I qualified for the study by having two miscarriages. The study tests the effects of low-dose aspirin on gestation and reproduction and I figured there really was nothing to lose. They actually pay you for your time and give you a digital fertility monitor to use daily. If you do get pregnant, they give you an early ultrasound and test your blood and urine monthly.

I started in the study and got pregnant after a few months. I was immediately in tears at the 8 week ultrasound when we saw the little heart beating. And at each doctor's appointment, I held my breath until I heard the heartbeat again.

Now, I am 20 weeks and had my ultrasound last week and you will never believe it...it's a GIRL. It's really a girl? I had to ask the ultrasound tech about five times if she was sure.

The day after my ultrasound, I wore pink to tell the class it was a girl. One of my students has autism and he is very adorable and very loud and as soon as he heard, he very loudly and with delighted surprise said, "Heavenly Father sent you a girl!?!"

That pretty much sums it up.

Heavenly Father sent me a girl.

A healthy, baby girl.