Not Even a Vanilla Frosty Can Help

In Park City, we had the BEST pediatrician.  She was so fabulous and took the time to listen, answer, and CARE.  We were SICK to leave her when we moved.  I even drove the hour or so up to her office for one last well-child visit after we had moved here.  I tried another 6-7 doctors (between emergency visits and regular doctor visits at two different offices) and I just NEVER found a doctor who had such amazing bed-side manner.  She was/IS one in a million.  Cameron was always SO comfortable around her and she was ours from the time Cameron was 5 days old and up to when Brenden was 4 months old.  

About a month ago, we got a letter in the mail from the Park City clinic saying that they were sad to be losing Dr. Karen Lantz but good luck to her in her endeavors.  Good luck for US!!  I figured she would MAYBE be practicing in SLC at a new office, where she had been splitting her time while she was in Park City.  I did a google search, checked online with my insurance physician finder and got a number.  Called that number and they gave me another and finally I found her with a new physicians group only about 25-30 minutes away and booked an appt!  It was the greatest day.  I was so excited to have finally found her.  What?  You think I was stalking?  NO.  It's for my kids.

Anyhoo, our appt was today and as I rode up the elevator in the newly crafted office space with rich, slate tile, two-toned walls and elegant and earthy art work, I was so relieved and thrilled to be back with someone I knew would nurture and love my children as much as I do.  So, to make a long story short, she came in, we reunited, reminisced, talked about Brenden, she checked out his healthy growing bod and then the nurse came in and gave Brenden his MMR. His MMR??????  It all went so fast and I was so distracted by my reunion and suddenly he had three vaccinations plus a hemoglobin prick and I didn't even get a second to refuse or lament over the MMR!!  

As I drove away I started to get a massive, relentless feeling of dread. I even stopped at Wendy's to eat emotionally but not even the rapid scarfing down of a Southwest Taco salad and vanilla frosty could relieve my stomach of the pit that was forming thinking that I had just possibly sent Bren down the road to Autism. I know that the MMR vaccine link is merely speculation but there have been too many coincidental cases to not feel complete helplessness and dread in the uncertain. Lost in my worries, I recalled feeling the same way when Cam got his. And he's fine. But I still have a nervousness and a guilt in my stomach like, "What have I done?????!!!!?!!"

Rhett tried to reassure me by saying that if it did happen, at least I would be very qualified to know how to teach and care for an autistic child. That instantly sent me into hysterical sobbing. I know he was trying to comfort me but I couldnt help it. Can you imagine in the worst case scenario not being able to have your child show you affection or look you in the eye or communicate his needs and wants to you??? Oh, I am going to throw up.

The only thing that gives me some comfort is that there's nothing that my worrying can do about it now. Our children are precious gifts from God no matter their ability or disability. Our time is not our own. We need to cherish everything from a moment to an occasion to a healthy, fully-functioning body.

...well... this started out nice.
I always get overly worried and have to question anything that could possibly harm children. I know a measles epidemic would be a lot worse but maybe I should have waited to give him the shot. Or maybe I should have asked if they had the MMR in separate doses or maybe I should have looked at more of the research or maybe I shoud have just prayed more before I went.

...woulda, coulda, shoulda.