Can you watch my kids?

Once upon a time at BYU, I was working hard to get my degree. I was in the elementary education/special education program, which was full of mostly women who were just working to get their degree to fall back on. They we were waiting for their knights in shining BYU t-shirts to sweep them off their feet and marry them the next day. They weren't really interested in having a career as teachers and weren't even really planning to teach once they graduated. It was just something to keep them occupied and make their dowries more enticing.

As the one Fiona-like girl with big hips and green fluted ears who really was interested in inspiring children and sharing her knowledge, I was so excited to find my employment, with or without a prince in pursuit.

When I did finally get started with the little devils at Mt. Diablo Middle School, it was comforting, satisfying and literally a dream come true to be teaching. After actually meeting my prince and getting married, I continued my passions in teaching and then moved to Utah and had our first-born, Cameron.

Even though I loved teaching, I soon became aware that we couldn't pay for the carriages, the gowns and the royal playthings if I wasn't working. We couldn't pay the bills and have great medical insurance without me bringing home some of the bacon. Working was not only something fabulous, it was a necessity. And it was absolutely fine with me.

Life happened, things got more involved and soon, we were overwhelmed with having another baby and me working at the same time. So I stopped teaching for a while and wasn't planning on working. Then, I got a job homeschooling. It was actually a blessing as we realized that it was not going to be "OK" for me not to work. We could not afford it!!

So now, we're getting to the real reason for this post....
(Prepare here for the coming attack of emotions).

Daycare is frustrating. Only working part-time barely pays for daycare alone. But daycare is also a necessity. We have to have it. I can't work and help pay the bills if I don't have someone to watch the kids.

I was driving home two weeks ago, burdened with the task ONCE AGAIN, to find a place for the kids while Rhett did NOT get his usual day-off. It was becoming a nightmare for me to hear the words come out of his mouth that I would need to find someone to watch them on one of his off-days. The first year I wasn't teaching, I was constantly on the phone trying to find someone to watch them. We didn't have enough money to put them in a daycare and finding someone around the neighborhood required not only a humbling attitude and just the right fit but also a number of backups for the days when THEIR kids were sick. I became a huge ball of stress and emotion everytime I had to impose and ask people for their help. It was stressful because so many people couldn't do it. And I only knew a few people, having just moved to the area, so I always ended up calling the same people.
It was so frustrating!
Can you even understand where I am coming from?
Can you even comprehend the stress?
It was another possible cause of this possible ulcer.

You really don't understand the stress and anxiety you can feel until you have to find someone to take care of your children on top of their children for a whole day and feed and nap them and maybe do it on a day that they weren't expecting. It was a literal nightmare. By the end of that first year, I couldn't take it anymore and BEGGED Rhett to let me find a daycare to have them in consistently.

We couldn't afford it but I knew if we sacrificed MANY things, we could pull it off. He reluctantly agreed (after numerous "discussions"), and we have been financially in turmoil ever since but it is a peace of mind that I still insist is priceless. Our babies are there everyday, in a state approved and regulated facility, with teachers who are required to have training, with many kids their own age to socialize with, a curriculum that includes center time, music time, nap time, play time, exploration, crafts, Christmas programs and so many other things that give my easily-disruptive nervous center some serious peace of mind. I SO need that and have needed that after last year's constant worry, last minute cancellations, problem after problem and feelings of imposition and hassle.

But as I was driving home that two weeks ago, with the kids in the back eating snacks and telling me about the fun that was had at daycare, I again felt that same feeling of anxiety as I worried about who was going to watch them the two extra days in December that Rhett would normally get off, but couldn't with his newly-instated Christmas schedule of 10 hours a day (12 hours away from us), 6 days a week. It was only TWO DAYS during two different weeks, but plenty of time to fill me with dread.

I also felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation for all those people who all those times said YES, bring the kids over, who changed their schedules to fit mine, who struggled with more kids than they gave birth to to help a friend or a neighbor out and who made things a little easier for us in this extremely difficult situation that we daily have to be in. I can't even express the feelings of gratitude that I have.

Thanks are not enough.

(This is one of those times that I wish English was a little more expressive).

Most recently, I give a shout out to Katie Rainer who was the supermom who took Bren at the last minute and the Kid's Korner Academy for changing their management and getting more staff a few days before I called them for the third time to see if they would take the kids. You don't know what it means to me to have serenity and contentment in this situation that can be full of chaos and pain. It may sound extreme, but it is the struggle that I've been going through as a working mother.

We still can't afford the daycare that they are in now, but at least I know that they are safe, extremely well-cared for and that I don't have to bother other people with phone calls and diaper bags and extra cribs.

At least not anymore this month.

Thank you.