A Little Contrition

I had to write an angry, frustrated email to someone today and my stomach felt a little tickly to send it. I don't like being upset at someone to their face. Or, at their face. Or to their mind as they read it. Or however you put that.

I felt a tinge of guilt.

And then I was over it because they totally deserved it.

When I was in 3rd grade, maybe 4th, I was playing cowboys and indians with my brother (maybe Dale). I pointed the gun at him and then, just like they do in the movies, I slowly and sinisterly said, "You...b-stard!" My brother went out of character and ran to my mom to tell on me.

I had NO idea that was a bad thing to say and I guess I still feel guilty to this day.

Or maybe I am actually just laughing hysterically at how silly kids are.

For Thanksgiving, we had Rhett's brother Bob and his wife Vicki and all their kids over for dinner. They brought so much food and we all spent like four hours in the kitchen.  I put Rhett in charge of the turkey because neither of us had ever cooked one before. I had asked different people for advice about how to not screw it up and tried to pass it on to Rhett but he wouldn't listen to me.

I told him it would all be his fault if it turned out horribly.

It didn't.

It was moist and delicious.

He was off the hook.

I have been celebrating the holiday early Applebee's style. I made a batch of brownies on Sunday for a "family night treat" and NO ONE will eat them at my house. Ok, technically, I have hidden them from the kids so they don't overdose and Rhett just doesn't care. But instead of just having a brownie here or there, I put hot fudge on the brownie, microwave both for a few seconds, add vanilla bean ice cream and then heavy whipped cream on the top. And it's the whipped cream in the aerosol can that squirts out with a fancy texture and shape so you HAVE to add it to the top.

So to recap, I take a sugary brown square, carmelize some thick sugar on the top, pile on cold, creamy sugar and then top it off with milky, fermenting sugar...

...what. is. WRONG with me?

And I can't stop. I still have four more huge brownies to go. I am depressed just thinking about it. I only get about a minute and a half of pure bliss while I'm eating it and then I am depressed and feel guilty before and after I eat it. I am on DRUGS! I go through withdrawals and then feel guilty as I try to get my high and then feel worse after it. This is sick and wrong. And do you notice that its only Tuesday?? Can someone PLEASE come over and eat these? I would say I would bring them over but then I will become possessive and make excuses of why I can't. ...because I would be giving away the drugs I could do for myself! No WONDER people have to go to rehab!

I am going to detox. As soon as I can get motivated to do it.

Cameron can be a very loud child. Bursts of boistrous laughter, karate noises as he punches the wall or just spitting his used toothpaste into the sink are all done with gusto. It's all VERY LOUD!  I often awake the Inner Warrior who wants to fight back and protect Brenden, especially while he is sleeping.  I am constantly getting on Cam for being so loud at bedtime.
The last two nights have been no exception. I feel really guilty for being so hard on Cam but it's like he becomes a different person the second he is stripped down to his underoos to change into his pjs. He escapes into the wild of the living room and leaps everywhere he goes, which is always in the opposite direction of where he should be going. I ask him politely, and then firmly and then through gritted teeth! No one ever told you that four year olds would be repeating what you irrationally may say in the heat of a moment of non-compliance. The last few days I have heard from those sweet, little lips...

"If you ask me that one more time (to please put on his pajamas),
I am going to KICK you in the HEAD!"
or
"If you don't do it by the time I count to ten (give him the candy that you said he couldn't have),
I am going to smack you RIGHT IN THE FACE!"

or my favorite from today...

"If you don't take me to Smith's Marketplace I am going to say something MEAN like...
(through gritted teeth and with a lower octave)...DO. IT."

Now, be rest-assured that my discipline tactics do not get this violent, but through his active imagination, he has added the Darth Vader version to everything we have ever said to try to help him "make the right decisions."
So, needless to say, he was getting a little wild last night and I finally just threatened to take away a book that we would be reading at bedtime. I don't know why I always forget that one and don't try it sooner because it always causes great mourning and usually an excessively loud, "Noooooooo!" followed by the hysterical fake crying and tantrum throwing.
Oh yeah, that's why I don't threaten it right away.

In the middle of all of this, I heard thumping coming from the other room and my Inner Warrior scooped Cam up and took him into his room to avoid disturbing Brenden any further. (BTW, I cringe just as much when I write "Inner Warrior" but it sounds much more calm than "Pissed-off, Irrational and Violently Reactive Mom-ster"). We all took a breather, got through bedtime and I left Cam to sleep and went to do some laundry.

Some time between the towels and the kid's clothes and John Edward seeing pink roses, Rhett came down saying he couldn't find Brenden on the video monitor upstairs. We hurried off to his room together and guilt waved over me as I realized I didn't calm Cam down soon enough. I should have been more firm with him!

Cameron's uncontrollable hyperactivity probably caused Bren to wake up suddenly,
hit his head against the wall (the big thump)
while falling off his bed and rolling, unconscious, out of the picture.

(Come on, you make up scenarios, too...right?)

We quietly rushed in and found this....

He had gotten out of his bed, taken his book and his blankie into the little cupboard, curled up and gone to sleep.  We got out the video camera and did our best not to wake him with our laughter.

So then, I really feel guilty that I never give the kids enough mommy-attention at play time. 

I always hear myself saying...

...as soon as I finish these dishes

...let me make lunch first

...I have to finish this email

...right after our nap

...let me put another load in the washer

...as soon as dad gets home

...do you want me to put on a show for you?

....go play with your brother

...let me set the timer for five more minutes and then I can...

Thank goodness these are not all said in one day because I am sick just re-reading them. So Saturday morning, I decided I wasn't going to clean ONE THING or do ONE CHORE or even turn on the computer. We had just gotten Wall-E so we made a morning of it...


Thank goodness "someone" spilled milk on the couch because I had to take the cushions off to wash them off and let them dry.  So much for the movie (10 minutes later).
Cam's introduction of his co-host was hilarious..."And now for Breeeennddennnn Mo-scheeetttiiii! Here is and he is JUST. GREAAAAAT. " Really adorable. You had to be there.

There was much less fighting because I didn't have to referee after the fact.  I could be pro-active, like I always lecture people about.  I was right there in the middle of all the action. It was one of the best mornings we've had together.
Now, the dishes were still in the sink after our naps, the toys were all over the floor and the sheets and cushions were still off the couch the next morning. I guess I just wanted all the goodness to last throughout the night.  

I don't know how all of you do it but I can't seem to balance 

all that needs to be done and the guilt.

And I'm sure glad I'm not Catholic. I would be in that confessional for hours...