What Does This Mean??

Brenden loves babies and especially wanted to love and help with our new nephew, Ethan. 

Does this mean I am supposed to have another baby so he can fulfill preparing for his daddy role?

I am extremely tired and uncomfortable just thinking about being pregnant again. 

It stresses me out. 

And everyone who knows me, knows that more STRESS is the last thing I need in my life.  

They will also know that I have been struggling with this idea for many, many months and years.

Isn't two children plenty to care for, feed and have enough attention, time, money and sanity to help them be happy, well-rounded adults?  

Or would another child or two not change any of that?

Please remember how LARGE and INSANE I get when I am pregnant 

and how CRAZY is just a normal day for me.

Isn't mental health more important?

And isn't it a sign when I am disgusted and anxious and quickly change the channel every time 

A Baby Story comes on??

Can't I just be finished having babies or will I feel guilty the rest of my life?

I need to go to the temple and pray more because I feel like I am so lost about it.  

And the fabulous lesson in Relief Society on Sunday actually got me thinking about this.  

(Yes, I actually got to go to Relief Society for once).  

The teacher talked about how the Atonement helps us to heal, be forgiven of our sins but also ENABLES us to overcome the gap between our will and the will of the Lord.  Our prayers can help us to WANT to do things that we are not so jazzed about doing.  It can help us to understand the will of the Lord and align our will with His to the point where we do things because we WANT to do them, not just because we are obeying or know that is what we are "supposed" to do.  

It made me cry thinking about how I DO NOT WANT to have another baby, but that may not be the will of the Lord.  

It made me cry thinking about how difficult it is for me to take care of the children I have now because I am always on my own, I am a little CRA-ZY and how working and taking the kids to daycare and doing everything else is making my job as a mother so overwhelming.   But I do have to say that it is making me a stronger person and is giving me a lot of perspective and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise (good AND bad).

 

It also oddly made me cry thinking about how I have always been happy and totally fine about not having any sisters.  I have always been thankful that I've never had to share clothes, a room, boyfriends, friends, deal with the drama and the competition, avoid the fighting, get my own stuff, be more independent, have more attention as the only girl, and not worry about how to deal with fighting for my own place in this world.  

With four brothers, I never had to deal with any of that (except maybe a tiny bit with my mom).

But then I was really crying thinking about how I don't have a sister who will drop everything and come help me, that I don't have a sister who will watch my kids whenever I need her to and not worry about how I am stressing her out or offending her by even asking because that's just what sisters do, I don't have a sister who will come over and help me clean my house or cook dinner when I am drowning and I don't have a sister who will take my phone calls and listen and UNDERSTAND what I am going through as a mother and a wife.  That's not something brothers can do.  No matter what their good intentions or attempts are, it's not the same.  

So then I was crying thinking about my best friend Jen who has always been that sister to me.  Even her sisters have been that help to me.  And I have had other amazing friends who have been that way and I am so thankful, but it still isn't the same as having a blood relative who can't go away and who has no choice but to always be my sister.

I need to take more advantage of the power of the Atonement to ENABLE me to understand His will and make it my own.  Because maybe He does think that there is another child or two who needs to come to our family.  Maybe it's a girl who needs to come to this earth to be somewhat of that relationship for me or maybe that's just wishful thinking and wouldn't be that at all.   My mom is also somewhat of that relationship for me, but she can only do so much because her life is at such a different stage than mine. 

And then you have to understand something else....Rhett has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship.  He doesn't live with us but he is a part of our lives and could come live with us anytime.  That adds confusion and complication to my role as a mother and a parent.  I don't know if it is right to bring more complication to the mix with another baby or if that isn't even an issue.  I don't know.  That's why I need more understanding. 

 

And where do we receive more light and understanding? 

 The temple.  

You know it.  I know it.

See how I already know what to do?  

Why don't I just do it?  

Thanks to that teacher and to the Stake President for sharing their own light and knowledge.  

I definitely needed to hear that lesson on that day.  

And yes, I needed to cry a little because it definitely released some of my stress.  

And anyone who knows me, knows I can use less stress in my life.